So this weekend, one of my sorority sisters was in town. Nobody I was ever particularly close to, since she was a freshman when I was a senior, but still a really nice girl. So I took her and her friends out for dinner on Sunday, and then we had some drinks last night. It was nice to see her, catch up, and gossip about Lycoming people for a little bit.
After she left the bar last night, I stayed and had another drink with my friends, and then headed home. As usual, when such things strike, it struck on the bus. I became horribly dark. Now, most of you know me, and know that I'm not really all that dark. I'm regularly described as a "sunshiny" person, for goodness sake. I think this is mainly because I keep my darkness to myself. So I rode the bus a few extra stops, then wandered home over the back of my little hill.
I'm not sure exactly what it was that tripped me over the edge into an emo midnight wander. Certainly, it has to do with roots. I'm not really in touch with anyone from America anymore, and while that's ok and understandable, in many ways it's also awful. I have a life that I genuinely love, and I'd like others to understand it with me, and yet there really is nobody who can. This whole experience is also changing me so drastically, in so many (mainly) positive ways, but I don't know anyone who knows both old Lauren and new Lauren.
At the same time, as soon as I feel like I'm putting roots down here, the ground starts to become sort of shaky. The international and financial situation here in Hungary has always been something that, as a foreigner, I could happily ignore. But it's reaching a level where I can't ignore it any more, and I have to consider the future of this little country that I adore in my life plans. And that is so upsetting to me. I hate the feeling of uncertainty where just a few months ago my life was laid out in front of me, for the next few years at least.
Beyond that, so many of my friends are planning to leave in the next few years. And that's fine, and I'm happy for them, and I know that I will make new friends. But... still. Add to that the fact that this weekend I met a boy that I think I could grow to really like, and I think he feels the same way about me, and, of course, as usual... doesn't live in Hungary.
Then mix in the fact that this feeling of uncertainty is not unique to me. All across the world, young people and especially young women are starting to worry about their futures. We have to care so much about everything, while pretending to be cool and not care at all. We have to worry about our bodies. Appearance is tantamount, and we have to present a perfect feminine appearance, but we have to also act like men. More than anything, though, we feel a bit cheated. We have to deal with living our whole life being told we could be anything we wanted to be, and then coming out of college into an economy where we're all still sort of scraping by five years later. So many of my friends are still in an entry-level position, or back in school racking up more debt. It's ridiculous.
And last night it all became too much and I became a little bit angry.
Happily today's the last day of my work week, and tomorrow I'm heading off to Sweden and Denmark for Easter. And I'll remember that I'm one of the lucky ones.
After she left the bar last night, I stayed and had another drink with my friends, and then headed home. As usual, when such things strike, it struck on the bus. I became horribly dark. Now, most of you know me, and know that I'm not really all that dark. I'm regularly described as a "sunshiny" person, for goodness sake. I think this is mainly because I keep my darkness to myself. So I rode the bus a few extra stops, then wandered home over the back of my little hill.
I'm not sure exactly what it was that tripped me over the edge into an emo midnight wander. Certainly, it has to do with roots. I'm not really in touch with anyone from America anymore, and while that's ok and understandable, in many ways it's also awful. I have a life that I genuinely love, and I'd like others to understand it with me, and yet there really is nobody who can. This whole experience is also changing me so drastically, in so many (mainly) positive ways, but I don't know anyone who knows both old Lauren and new Lauren.
At the same time, as soon as I feel like I'm putting roots down here, the ground starts to become sort of shaky. The international and financial situation here in Hungary has always been something that, as a foreigner, I could happily ignore. But it's reaching a level where I can't ignore it any more, and I have to consider the future of this little country that I adore in my life plans. And that is so upsetting to me. I hate the feeling of uncertainty where just a few months ago my life was laid out in front of me, for the next few years at least.
Beyond that, so many of my friends are planning to leave in the next few years. And that's fine, and I'm happy for them, and I know that I will make new friends. But... still. Add to that the fact that this weekend I met a boy that I think I could grow to really like, and I think he feels the same way about me, and, of course, as usual... doesn't live in Hungary.
Then mix in the fact that this feeling of uncertainty is not unique to me. All across the world, young people and especially young women are starting to worry about their futures. We have to care so much about everything, while pretending to be cool and not care at all. We have to worry about our bodies. Appearance is tantamount, and we have to present a perfect feminine appearance, but we have to also act like men. More than anything, though, we feel a bit cheated. We have to deal with living our whole life being told we could be anything we wanted to be, and then coming out of college into an economy where we're all still sort of scraping by five years later. So many of my friends are still in an entry-level position, or back in school racking up more debt. It's ridiculous.
And last night it all became too much and I became a little bit angry.
Happily today's the last day of my work week, and tomorrow I'm heading off to Sweden and Denmark for Easter. And I'll remember that I'm one of the lucky ones.
1 comment:
I feel the same way...even though I have been in the states for 3 years now. Each year, the person I hang with the most leaves for something exciting...
I am sorry you feel maudlin... remember even if we don't chat I miss you!!
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