Spring, thoughts on a future goodbye, and a recent one too

Spring came today. Seriously. Yesterday it was cold and windy, and this morning the sun was shining, despite the chill in the air. I decided to chance it and rode Tiffany into work, which wound up being a great decision, because the afternoon was beautiful. Wearing only a cardigan for warmth, riding leisurely along the gorgeous west bank of the Danube, watching puffy white clouds reflecting in the sparkly water... it was perfect. It's amazing how much the weather can affect my mood, as well as the opportunity to finally get a bit of exercise!

Spring, however, also makes me very nervous. It reminds me that April 9th is coming closer and closer, when I will finally know my future. It also reminds me that after spring comes summer, and with summer comes the closing of this chapter of my life. I suspect that that will not be the end of my time in Hungary, but it will certainly be a big end nevertheless. I will be back to America to actually be there for awhile, and then with any luck I'll be living in Spain. Which is something I've wanted for years and years, but also something very scary and new. Doing this masters will be a really intense experience for sure, what with the working full time while studying thing. I'm really excited for it. I'm also terrified to leave Hungary.

The thought of leaving my students actually makes me cry. I only have 60 more school days. I know that they will barely even notice I'm gone come September, because part of the joy of little kids is how resilient they are. They'll have a new native speaker teacher, and hopefully that person will be a good teacher and a good person and love the kids, and then the kids will love them. These kids though... man. They've made me such a better person, so much happier, positive, and trusting than I was when I came here. I came to Hungary so angry, so bitter after my time in California. I'm sitting here now, a bit melancholy at the moment, but generally so full of... I don't know. It sounds corny to say peace, and yet that's what it is.

Hungarian, this godawful language that used to cause me such stress, flows out of my mouth. It's still not very good, actually, but I can communicate almost anything I want to. And I like it. I've even started joking a bit. I find the language funny in a slightly awkward way... the way the words work together to form new words always makes me laugh. And I'll miss this weird little language. The culture, of course, is just starting to sort of make sense to me. I know how to do things now, and my life here is starting to be so easy. I still get frustrated sometimes, because oftentimes the natural Hungarian reaction to something, or how they go about doing something, just strikes me a stupid. But I no longer really get stressed, or take it personally, I just sort of shrug and say... well, it's Hungary. Most of the time.

Leaving my rat is going to just kill me. Not getting to tease Balint everyday is going to just kill me.

My life here in Hungary makes sense to me. It's a clean, happy, fulfilling life where I am constantly entertained and amazed and frustrated just enough. It's also starting to make sense in a more day-to-day way. I can buy stuff, find stuff, ask for directions. I've found almost all the food stuffs I need, and every sort of restaurant I missed. I'm even giving Spanish lessons. My life is awesome... time to leave. Sigh.

Bearing in mind that I have such a short time left in Hungary, I've decided to make a real effort to really make it a fantastic time. To that end, I'm spending more time outside. I'm carrying my camera around with me. I've recommitted myself to lesson planning and creating really awesome lessons for the kiddies. I'm speaking more Hungarian at work. I'm trying really really hard to not stress out about the cleanliness of my flat too much, but go get a glass of wine instead. I will go to more museums and monuments and parks and spend less time watching streaming TV.

And I've pretty much cut a friend out of my life. Which is the recent goodbye up there. Now, I don't have many good friends here in Hungary. I have Lyla, and I have Balint and Magda, and even Anna and Bill. Beyond that, I have colleagues who I am friendly with, and occasionally will hang with, and some other foreign teachers scattered throughout the country, who are glorious individuals but not in Budapest. And this person I considered to be a good friend, but I realized recently that this person doesn't actually respect me: they discount my feelings, they don't help me adjust to life in Hungary despite being Hungarian, and they only agree to see me on their terms. It was stressful, and it hurt me, and I constantly felt like I was less when I was around them. Like they weren't really interested in knowing ME or being MY friend, but rather in having someone to fill this need that they have... and I realized I don't need it. So I'm done with that. And that rips my heart out, because I also don't believe that this person meant to hurt me, but since I've started explaining how they hurt me they've continued doing the same things, and in the end I think it's for the best.

So I'm really sad about that, but also proud of myself for actually saying "no," for actually looking out for my feelings and emotional well-being above those of others. So I guess I can thank that friend for that, at least.