Standing and waiting for the bus to come this morning, Scott popped up next to me. I don't think I've mentioned him before, but he is a lovely British fellow who works at my school. We got to chatting about Hungarian, and then he mentioned that I've seemed a little off this week. Was I ok? I explained that I was just stressed, I have a lot of personal things going on right now.
And then because I was in an honest mood, I confessed that the Hungarians were making it worse for me. They never ask, "How are you?" Ever. For me this is bizarre. And while I understand that they just don't do this, culturally, I don't understand it. Don't they feel unloved? Uncared for? Bereft in this world, totally alone and without anyone worrying about them?
Because sometimes I do. Sometimes I would give anything in the world for someone to just say, "Hey, Lauren, how are you doing?" Or even, "Hey, do you need help with anything right now?"
I've explained to a few Hungarians that in America, probably because we all move out when we're still children, we take care of each other. If a foreigner (who is trying to speak English) moved to America, their colleagues and neighbors would fall over themselves offering them help, checking that they're ok, bringing them food, whatever. But isn't that insincere? they ask. I always shake my head. I mean, acting friendly and concerned about someone doesn't actually mean we're friends. We do this because it is the right thing to do, the nice and good thing. They don't understand it. "You are friendly with your friends. You are polite with everyone else," they say.
I can appreciate their sincerity. But at the same time I don't understand how they don't all die of pure unfettered loneliness.
Anyway, I bitched for a minute to Scott. And then I realized that as irritating as it might be that I don't have this with any of the Hungarians, I have it with the other expats. There's Scott and his vaguely off-color jokes. Andrew who picks on me mercilessly for being overly serious. Dear sweet Bill. Julia, who compliments me in a comforting and motherly way. Artoor, who is sincerely kind and earnest. Irena, the Serbian who commisserates with my angry faces. Let alone the other CETPers: Lyla, Ash, Jenny, Briggi, everyone else whom I see less often but care for no less. And all the CSers.
Thanks guys. I love you and APPRECIATE you. I don't know what I would do without your smiley faces.
4 comments:
:-)
Smiley face in case you need another. Hang in there, Miss America. You always have your friends and family. And rodent.
Love and miss you a ton. SEE you soon!!
Love, Dad xoxox
:-)
You are lucky! But NOT all the people are so lucky…
Imagine the Red Army occupying your country. Imagine generations of communist dictatorship. Terror and repressions. Informants all around you, asking „How are you?", etc. Any form of verbal discontent resulted in immediate arrest, torture, long years of imprisonment, or a lifelong deportation to Siberia, possibly a summary execution! Kipping your problems for yourself, was the only way to survive the communism. Responding to questions of your wellbeing was suicidal and futile! Asking the same questions indicated your status of informant, undercover secret police operative, official employee, etc. The people have adapted to survive.
Except for the children, everybody in Hungary has experienced the soviet occupation and communism… Bullet holes from the anticommunist revolution are still present on many, many buildings in Budapest. The bigger issue is the psychological trauma of the Hungarians. It’s extremely hard to overcome the long years of fear and abuse! The American veterans held by the communists in Vietnam are an example. Imagine your entire life under communist ruling…
House of Terror Museum - Terror Haza Muzeum: 1062 Budapest, Andrassy ut 60.
Peace!
I love you! 0x0x Love, MOM xo0x
I don't think that's The explanation. Young people in their twenties or thirties only experienced communism as children or teenagers, and even long before 1989 there had been a sort of "soft dictatorship", not all that bad for everyday people. Simply to answer "How are you?" could hardly get anybody into Siberia after the end of the fifties. So I think it's simply a different approach to things. Lauren, I'm sorry that you feel so bad about Hungarians. We do ask our friends how they are, but then we expect a real answer like "Well, my back is hurting, I've just gone to the doctor and he said..." or the like. In fact, when in the US, I found it very irritating that I was asked "How are you doing?" several times a day by complete strangers, fully knowing that they don't really care. So why do even clerks at the cashier of the supermarket inquire about my well-being? Couldn't you just please take the money, and let me go home, please, we are both tired after the day's work, I don't want to engage in pointless chatter with you. But of course I smiled and said "fine".
So I think it has nothing to do with communism, it's a cultural difference much deeper rooted than that. If it makes you feel better, your blog is great, and you do have a talent for writing. If you ever publish it, I will surely go and stand in line for an autograph.
Cheer up! :-)
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