I have a future!

On Thursday, October 22nd I ran out of work a little bit too quickly (not skipping laughing about insincere "I statements" with the other native-English teachers and scolding Balint to get some actual rest and not work all break) and caught the bus home, giggling with Lyla over the cold weather and grey sky. Why? Simple. The 23rd is a national holiday in honor of the 1956 revolution, so we were dressed up and pretty for the commemorative ceremonies held that day. I had done almost no work that day, just brought kids to the ceremony and proctored tests. And most importantly of all, because I would be waking up very early the next morning to head to Spain.

If you know me, you know that Spain holds a huge part of my heart. When I was not-quite-19 years old I left America for the first time on my own and headed for a few months study abroad. I had the time of my life in the small town of Salamanca. I perfected my second language. I traveled all over the country. I didn't get enough sleep but I got more than enough rest. I met truly different people for the first time in my life and can cite the exact moment when I judge to have become an adult. I fell in passionate, adult love, but was too scared to do anything about it. I danced, ate, played, soaked in the warmth radiating off hundreds-year-old golden buildings' stones. I lived and breathed and actually allowed myself to be unworried and free for the first time perhaps ever. I was radiant.

When it came time for me to leave, I was desperate. I spent hours and hours in internet cafes searching for programs that would allow me to stay. I found them, but I didn't find the courage. So, sick to my stomach and sobbing, I came back to America. And I had an amazing rest-of-college experience that I wouldn't trade. My life has always been good about bringing me the best things in that way. And I met Alfonso, so a bit of Spain continued with me for a long long time in our conversations, in our ability to understand each other, and in my continued visits to the country. And then we split up, and I didn't return to Spain for almost two years.

Coming to Hungary was similar to me in almost every way, only... calmer. More adult. I wasn't out dancing every night; I was dancing with 8-year-olds every day. I wasn't speaking effortlessly and without thought, I was pondering every word because each one was (is) a mental struggle. I was traveling in much more exotic locales and on my own accord, rather than on excursions planned by a school. I was actually grown up. And it was, and continues to be, exhilarating and terrifying and everything I could possibly want. And this feeling of calmness, of happiness with my simple state of being, stays with me. It allows me to make the scary and painful decisions I have recently made.

Spain was my first love and I remember it fondly and miss it from time to time. Hungary was the first thing I love that I've actually had to work for. And it was worth it. I love my life. Everyday.

While in Spain this week I interviewed for a masters program in Bilingual and Multicultural Education. The interview went very well. I am full of joy and hopefulness. If I receive a position in the program, which seems more than possible, I will finally get to live in Spain for awhile. And most importantly, the program will allow me to return to Central Europe for the long term, because I won't have loans afterward. I will be free to continue in this life. And I can't think of anything better than that.

Update on the actual, fantastic and delicious trip to come.