dancing with myself, oh oh

All day long, kids tug at my sleeves. "Miss Lauren! Miss Lauren! Is it good? What do we have to do? Can I sit with Frank? Miss Lauren!" My teaching partner has a small crisis or a parent is upset about something, and we need to deal with that. Or just discussing how to split a unit. My colleagues pat me, smile at me, and fuss over my attempts at their language. I attempt a social life, going out to bars where people bump into me, beer is splashed on me, and loud music blares. I ride a bus, and old ladies lean on me. I ride a bike, and cars honk at me. I walk down the street, surrounded by barking dogs, traffic noises, shop keepers chatting up customers, people on phones. I make plans with friends to spend the afternoon outside, playing games and shouting at each other, laughing, talking. I have a flatmate, and we chat, plan, complain, and talk at each other. We watch various things on the internet. Laughter, togetherness, noise.

And I love it. As most of you know, I'm rather emotionally needy. I need that smile, that eye contact, that bit of banter. Quietness in the company of others is something that is extremely difficult for me. I become nervous, twitchy, and inevitably start blathering something just to fill the silence. I love living in the city: the energy of it, the noise and busyness, always having options of things to do and see.

But I am never alone. And sometimes all of it becomes too much, and I find myself overwhelmed. Stressed. And maybe scolding a student much more than I should have done. Maybe teasing a friend a bit more than is actually funny. Maybe not saying my "please and thank you"s enough.

So tonight I stayed in. I'm catching up on the news, working on some projects. I'm laying on the couch. I'm going to bed early. I'm sitting in absolute silence, disturbed only by the faint clickety-clack of my fingers on keys. And I'm sharing a beer with one of my best friends. It's a good night. It's always good to remember that I can actually be alone, that I'm actually comfortable enough with myself to have some fun without anyone else.

Benci likes Soproni.